funny jokes

Three hicks were working on a telephone tower – Steve, Bruce and Jed. Steve falls off and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, “Someone should go and tell his wife.” Jed says, “OK, I’m pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I’ll do it.” Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of beer. Bruce says, “Where did you get that, Jed?” “Steve’s wife gave it to me,” Jed replies. “That’s unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?” Well, not exactly”,... [More...]

A guy goes into the confessional box after years being away from the Church. He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down. There’s a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby, and on the wall a fine photographic display of buxom ladies who appear to have mislaid their garments. He hears a priest come in: “Father, forgive me for it’s been a very long time since I’ve been to confession and I must admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be”. The priest... [More...]

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One night two drunks were wandering the town trying to get drinks, but between the two of them, they only had a dollar and change. So the first drunk says, “Hey, I’ve got an idea – we put our money together and buy a hot dog.” The second drunk, looking at him puzzled, says, “What the hell? I don’t want a hot dog; I want a goddamn drink!” The first says, “I know. We buy the hot dog, stick it down the front of my pants, go into a bar and order our drinks. When the bartender tells us the price, you drop to your knees and suck the hot dog like you’re... [More...]

A cowgirl walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. She sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When she finishes them, she comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells the cowgirl, “You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time.” The cowgirl replies, “Well, you see, I have two sisters. One is in Australia, the other is in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I’m drinking... [More...]

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it’s half past three in the morning. “I’m not getting out of bed at this time,” he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. “Aren’t you going to answer that?” says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn’t take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk. “Hi there,” slurs the stranger. “Can you give me a push?” “No,... [More...]

A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car. “They’ve stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator,” he cried out. However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time and the same voice came over the line. “Never mind,” he said with a hiccup, “I got in the back seat by mistake.”  Read More →

Two men were in a bar, 10 stories off the ground. The first man took a shot and jumped out the window. A few minutes later he appeared at the elevator. The second man astonished said, ” How did you do that?” The man replied, ” All you do is take a shot, then when you jump out the window you float down.” The second man not believing him asked him to do it again. The man took another shot and repeated the same thing. When he arrived back on the 10th floor the second man said,” What the hell I’ll give it a try.” He took a shot and jumped out the window. He... [More...]

A teacher instructs her fifth-grade class to ask their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end. The next day the kids come in and share their stories. “My daddy told me about my uncle Dave,” says one boy. “He was a pilot in Vietnam and had to bail out over enemy territory with nothing but a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a knife. He drank the whiskey during the drop, then landed in the middle of 20 Charlies. He shot 15, stabbed three, and killed the last two with his bare hands.” “What is the moral of that horrible story?” yelps the mortified teacher. “Stay... [More...]

Two fraternity brothers decide to go sailing one afternoon and become lost. After twenty hours with nothing to eat or drink, one of them spots a lamp floating by. He picks it up and a genie pops out. The genie notices the poor condition of the two frat guys and grants them one wish between the two of them. After a lot of arguing over who gets the wish, one of them blurts out, “I wish the ocean was made of beer.” Magically, the ocean turns to beer. Infuriated, the other guy yells, “Way to go asshole! Now we have to piss in the boat!”  Read More →

15 – You spent Sunday night in jail for cow-tipping — with your Oldsmobile. 14 – Although armed with fire extinguishers, friends stood at a safe distance as you blew out your birthday candles. 13 – Thanks to you, Jack Daniels stock is up 15 1/4 since Friday. 12 – Boris Yeltsin called personally to ask you to slow down on the Stoli. 11 – For some reason, there’s salt on the rim of your basketball goal. 10 – Your name is Otis and Sheriff Andy has brought you some of Aunt Bea’s pancakes. 9 – For the money you spent on Thunderbird, you could’ve... [More...]

A Virginia State trooper pulled a car over on I-64 about 2 miles south of the Virginia/West Virginia State line.. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Beckley, WV to do a show at the Shrine Circus. He didn’t want to be late. The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn’t give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn’t have anything to juggle. The trooper said he had some... [More...]

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick’s Day. Mick, the bartender says, ‘You’ll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy’. Paddy replies, ‘OK Mick, I’ll be on my way then’. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. ‘Damn’ he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, ‘Damn, ‘Damn !’ He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get... [More...]

Jason came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk (as he often did) and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave his wife a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. “Who the hell are you?” Demanded Jason, “and what are you doing in my bedroom?”. The mysterious Man answered “This isn’t your bedroom and I’m St. Peter”. Jason was stunned “You mean I’m dead!!! That can’t be, I have so much to live for, I haven’t said goodbye to my family….... [More...]

Three pieces of string walked into a bar. The first piece of string went up to the bar and asked the barman “Can i have three pints of beer please?”" The barman replied “”No sorry mate  Read More →