funny jokes

Three French legionaries are hiking across the desert where they have been for several days. They are out of food and on their last ration of water. As they walk a bit further, the head legionary thinks he sees something up ahead and cries to the others (in a French accent), “look! It is a bacon tree! It is what we ‘ave been waiting for!” And sure enough, there seems to be a tree covered with streaky bacon. Of course the legionaries are delighted, so desperate that they don’t even consider the possibility of it being a mirage. As they get closer, the head legionary says,... [More...]

An elderly man was walking through the French countryside, admiring the beautiful spring day, when over a hedgerow he spotted a young couple making love in a field. Getting over his initial shock he said to himself, ‘Ah, young love… ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers… C’est magnifique!’ and continued to watch, remembering good times. Suddenly he drew in a gasp and said, ‘Mais… Sacre bleu! Ze woman – she is dead!’ and he hurried along as fast as he could to the town to tell Jean, the police chief. He came, out of breath, to the police station... [More...]

What is the difference between Hitler and a station wagon? If you don’t know you must be pretty stupid.  Read More →

The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty’s Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish [Euro for short]. In the first year, ‘s’ will be used instead of the soft ‘c’. Sertainly, sivil servants will reseive this news with joy. Also, the hard ‘c’ will... [More...]

Ollie and Olga were two Norwegians in the United States who were madly in love. They decided to be married in the middle of duck hunting season and have their honeymoon in Minnesota. They could not afford to fly, so the had to take a bus from Chicago through Wisconsin with a bunch of duck hunters. The bus is driving along, and all of a sudden it breaks down in the middle of Milwaukee. So while they are waiting, the duck hunters go inside a coffee shop. Outside, Ollie, who is much to anxious to wait for Minnesota, asks Olga, “Hey Olga, you vant to mess around in the bushes?” Olga replies... [More...]

In the days when you couldn’t count on a public facility to have indoor plumbing, an English woman was planning a trip to Europe. She was registered to stay in a small guest house owned by the local schoolmaster. She was concerned as to whether the guest house contained a WC. In England, a bathroom is commonly called a WC which stands for water closet. She wrote the schoolmaster inquiring into the location of the nearest WC. The school master, not fluent in English, asked the local priest if he knew the meaning of WC. Together they pondered possible meanings of the letters and concluded that... [More...]

In “THE MAN” world wide competition there are three finalists left: a German, an American, and an Albanian. The last challenge is who can survive the longest in a room with 500 pound gorilla. So the American goes first. After 2 seconds the American comes out with his clothes ripped off screaming and rubbing his ass. The German looks at him and laughs. “You American pussy, he says and goes in. But not even a second he comes out naked screaming, “Ah my aaasssss!” The last one is the Albanian. So he goes in. Five minutes go by and he’s not coming out. Ten minutes,... [More...]

This guy was playing a round of golf on his favorite golf course. On the sixth he hit the ball out of bounds into a wooded area. As he searched for the ball he saw a leprechaun sitting down holding his head, the ball had hit him on the groin. He went over to the leprechaun and asked him if he was ok. The leprechaun looked at him and said, “Ok you’ve got me, I know you want wishes, what are they?” The man said that he didn’t want any wishes and that he just wanted to make sure that he was ok. The leprechaun said that he was okay and walked away surprised. The man picked... [More...]

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following; “Emma comes first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a more.” “You foul mouthed swine,” retorted the lady indignantly. “In this country we don’t talk about our sex lives in public!” “Hey, coola down lady,”... [More...]

There was a guy who was searching for the most potent aphrodisiac in the world . He went to a Chinese herbal coctor who told him that bull’s balls were the most potent one. He then went to Spain, the bull-fighting capital of the world. He found a restaurant in Pamplona who specialized in serving bull’s balls. He then was able to gorge himself out day in and day out of this aphrodisiac. One day, he noticed that his serving of bull’s balls were smaller. He then asked the waiter what happened. The waiter replied non-chanantly, “Well senor, sometimes the bull wins.”  Read More →

Maria had just got married and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother’s house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her. “Don’t worry, Maria. Tony’s a good man. Go upstairs and he’ll take care of you.” So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, Mama, Mama, Tony’s got a big hairy chest.” “Don’t worry, Maria,” says the mother,” all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs.... [More...]

It happened that all the women of the world gathered togheter to make up an experiment: how would their husbands respond to womens’ refuse of making the house work… After one month they gathered again to see the results of experiment: Mary from England says: “Well, i went home and told John, my husband, that i refuse to work anymore. So first day i didn’t see much thing, but after a week i could see that John started to make food, wash dishes, and all the stuff.” Marie from France says: “I went home and told Jean that i won’t work anymore in the house.... [More...]

there was this french man who came to america. he was walking down the street and saw a shop selling bukets for 1$ each so he went inside and he says to the owner “i would like a fuket.’ “you mean a buket?’ “yes a fucket.” so he bought the buket! a few blocks down he saw a pet shop selling cockaspaniels for 50$ each! so he went inside and says “i would like to buy a cocker!” the shop keeper sys “you mean a cokerspainl” “yes a cocker”and bought one. the next shop he entered was a bar and they were having happy hour all bud lights... [More...]

There was a guy that just came to the U.S. and did not speak very good english. His wife gave him a list of things to buy. The first thing on the list was to buy a Bucket. So he goes to the hardware store and says to one of the employees,”Hey mister hardware store guy can Ihave a fuck it.” Hardware store guy:”Oh he must mean a bucket.” So the guy got his bucket. The next thing on the list was some bread. So he goes to the bakery store and asked the guy,”Hey can a have a head.” Baker:”Oh he must mean bread” So the guy got his loaf of bread. Next was... [More...]

An Englishman, an American, and a Pollock are being executed by way of the guillotine. Before they were executed the executioner would ask them if they had any last requests before they were beheaded. He also added that if the machine happened to malfunction that they would be set free and the case would be dropped. The Englishman steps up and the executioner asks him “What is your last request?” The Englishman, being a man who has great pride in his country says “Hail Queen Elizabeth!” And with that, he puts his head in and the executioner lets go. A miracle happens... [More...]