funny jokes

A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting saused. A man comes in and asks the farmer, “Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?” Farmer: Some things you just can’t explain. Man: So what happened that’s so horrible? Farmer: Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket. Man: Ok, but that’s not so bad. Farmer: Some things you just can’t explain. Man: So what happened then? Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left. Man:... [More...]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto are riding through one of the many canyons, when suddenly rising from the hill on their right are hundreds of Indians. They start to spur their horse forward, when they realized that there are hundreds of Indians ahead of them. Wheeling to the left they, once again, see hundreds of Indians rising from the hill. They begin to back away in the direction from which they had come and they realize they were surrounded. The Indians had spread out and they were trapped. The Lone Ranger turns to Tonto, his life long friend, and says, ‘Tonto, my friend, I think I must say... [More...]

Q: What do you call a basement full of farmers? A: A whine-cellar  Read More →

Q: What does a farmer count his cows with? A: A Cow-culator!  Read More →

There was a traveling salesman whose car became hopelessly stuck in a snow bank during a recent blizzard in North Dakota. It took him several hours to make it to the nearest farm house, but frozen half to death, he finally reached the front door and knocked on it. A grizzled old farmer answered and the salesman pleaded for a place to spend the night. ‘Why sure, young fella, I can give ya a place to bunk,’ said the hospitable old man. ‘But, I ain’t got no daughter for ya to sleep with, like ya always hear about in them thar jokes.’ ‘Oh!’ said the salesman.... [More...]

An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on in years. And the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn’t hurt anything. So he buys a young cock from the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the barnyard. Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he gets a little worried. ‘So, they’re trying to replace me, thinks the old rooster. I’ve got to do something about this.’ He walks up to the new bird and says, “So you’re the new stud... [More...]

There was a men who is lost in a forest during a storm. He came to a house and knocked on the door. A farmer came out and asked, “what the hell do you want?” The man asked, “Could I spend a night here?” “Sure, but you can’t touch my daughter.” So the man was sleeping that night, when the daughter came in. And that night, they did it. The next night, they did it, too. The next night, they did it, again. Until one night, the daughter said to the man, “I am tired of doing it in your room.” So the man went to the daughter’s room and did... [More...]

Two cowboys are riding along a trail in the mountains when they suddenly hear tom toms beating very close to them. ‘Oh! That doesn’t sound good,’ one says to the other. As soon as the words were spoken, an Indian jumps out from behind a tree and said, ‘Yeah, our regular drummer is out sick.’  Read More →

A clergyman, walking down a country lane, sees a young farmer struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off. “You look hot, my son,” said the cleric. “Why don’t you rest a moment, and I’ll give you a hand.” “No thanks,” said the young man. “My father wouldn’t like it.” “Don’t be silly,” the minister said. “Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water.” Again the young man protested that his father would be upset. Losing his patience, the clergyman said, “Your... [More...]

There was this farmer that was really protective of his three daughters. In fact , he always met their boyfriends at the door with a shotgun. At 5:30 Friday night , there was a knock at the door. The farmer answered it with his gun. The guy at the door said, “Hello, my name is Eddie, I’m here for Bettie, we’re going for spaghetti. Is she ready?”. The farmer paused, then said “Ok, she’s ready” . Another half hour passed and there was another knock. The farmer answered it with his gun again. The guy at the door said” Hello, my name is Joe, I’m... [More...]

A farmer and his wife went to a fair. The farmer was fascinated by the airplanes and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost. “$10 for 3 minutes,” replied the pilot. “That’s too much,” said the farmer. The pilot thought for a second and then said, “I’ll make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be free. But if you make a sound, you’ll have to pay $10.” The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a wild ride. After they landed, the pilot said to the farmer, “I want to congratulate... [More...]

A New York family bought a ranch out West where they intended to raise cattle. Friends came to visit and asked if the ranch had a name. “Well,” said the would-be-cattleman. “I wanted to call it the Bar-J. My wife favored the Suzy-Q. One son liked the Flying-W, and the other son wanted the Lazy-Y. So, we’re calling it the Bar-J-Suzy-Q-Flying-W-Lazy-Y.” “But where are all your cattle?” “So far, none have survived the branding.”  Read More →

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. “I’m lost,” said the man. “Can you put me up for the night?” “Certainly,” the Chinese man said, “but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man.” “Ok,” said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house. Before dinner, the daughter came... [More...]

When a farmer dies, why is he only buried six inches deep? So he can still get a hand out.  Read More →

A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber’s chair and said, ‘I’ll have a shave and a shoe shine.’ The barber began to lather his face while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes. The cowboy said, ‘Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room.’ She replied, ‘I’m married and my husband wouldn’t like that.’The cowboy said, ‘Tell him your working overtime and I’ll pay you the difference.’ She said, ‘You... [More...]