funny jokes

A man calls his stockbroker all anxious and out of breath with this urgency in his voice. He says, “Sell it all, sell everything fast, right away.” The stockbroker tries to explain that the market is cyclical in nature and that for long term outlook stocks still remain the place to be. The man says, “Let me tell you a secret. You know I’ve been married for 6 years now and I’ve been your client for 5 years.” “Yes, go on,” the stockbroker says. “Well. My wife has this thing about the market. Her grandparents lost it all in the great crash and... [More...]

CHANDIGARH OR JALANDHAR Santa was flying to Chandigarh from Pune. He was allotted a middle seat but decided to take the window seat instead, which had been allotted to an old lady. The lady requested Santa to exchange the seats and let her sit on the seat allotted to her. He refused, saying, ‘I want to see the view from the window.’ The old lady complained to the air hostess who requested Santa to sit on his allotted middle seat. Santa was adamant and bluntly refused. The air hostess went up to the co-pilot. He too came and requested Santa, but in vain. Finally, the captain of the aircraft... [More...]

If you want to know how good Taare is, just go to your nearest theater and watch the people coming out after the show. The cacophony that surrounds a crowd exiting a theater will be missing. Some would be walking in slow motion. Some would look petrified. At least thats what happened in the theater I went to. Not a single soul was talking after the movie, probably because what everyone saw on screen was not fiction, but a semi-biography of his/her own life. In fact, the normally rowdiest gang in a theatre (ie my friends and I) that is uber vocal at the end of a film left the theater in pin drop... [More...]

Diary in a Health Club If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you. This is dedicated to every woman who ever attempted to get into regular workout routine. Dear Diary.. For my fiftieth birthday this year, my husband (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my high school softball team, decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer I’ll call Bruce, who identified himself as a 26 year... [More...]

Thanks for adding me to your G+ circle, now you have 2 options  Read More →

- Can you cry under water? - How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered? - If money doesn’t grow on trees then why do banks have branches? - Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round? - Why do you have to “put your two cents in”…but it’s only a “penny for your thoughts”? Where’s that extra penny going to? - Once you’re in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity? - Why does a round pizza come in a square box? - What did cured ham actually... [More...]

Twin sisters in St. Luke’s Nursing Home were turning one hundred years old. The editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get over there and take pictures of the two 100 year old twins. One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well. Once the photographer arrived he asked the sisters to sit on the sofa. The deaf sister said to her twin, “WHAT DID HE SAY?” “WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!”, said the other. “Now get a little closer together,” said the cameraman. Again, “WHAT DID HE SAY?” “HE... [More...]

I was walking down the street the other day when I saw my buddy Matt. I walked up to him and mentioned that I had the most bizarre dream the night before last. Matt listened intently as I told him that the dream consisted of one thing and one thing only. So I told him that all I had dreamt about was a huge glowing number “5.” It was made of gold and sparkled with diamonds. Matt’s curiosity was peaked. I went on to say that the first thing that I did in the morning was to grab the daily racing digest and look up the fifth race. Matt raised an eyebrow. So I told him that... [More...]

Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts. Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try. One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King’s chief doctor.. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme. The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured... [More...]

A guy is 86 years old and loves to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, “Pick me up.” He looked around and couldn’t see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, “Pick me up.” He looked in the water and there, floating on the top was a frog. The man said, “Are you talking to me?” The frog said, “Yes, I’m talking to you. Pick me up. Then, kiss me and I’ll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I’ll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous... [More...]

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women – she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target. Dear Mrs. Samuel, Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samuel, are listed below and are documented... [More...]

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped, and every once in awhile, a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a Policeman stopped her, and said, “Ma’am, there are $20 bills falling Out of that bag.” “Oh, really? Darn it!” said the little old lady. “I’d better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer..” “Well, now, not so fast,” said the cop. “Where did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it, did you?” “Oh,... [More...]

A man appears before the Pearly Gates “Have you ever done anything of particular merit?”"  Read More →

There was a mother duck,a mother skunk,a baby duck,and a baby skunk.They all came up on a busy highway.The mothers decided it would be best if they went first.As they were crossing an 18 wheeler came through and made them road-kill.Then the baby duck started crying,so the baby skunk said,”Whats wrong?”"The duck answered saying “”My momma died and i don’t know what I am  Read More →

Out in the country walked a family of ducks together. A mother, father and baby. As they attempted to cross the road, a car came speeding down he lane hitting and killing the mother and father duck, leaving the baby duck all by itself. Sadly, the baby duck began to wander around. About a half mile down the same road a family of skunks attempted to cross the road. Once again, a car came speeding down the lane killing the mother and father skunk. The baby skunk didn’t know what to do so he wandered about as the duck did. Eventually, the baby duck and baby skunk met up with each other.... [More...]