funny jokes

A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he decided to take a leak…. He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun. Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over, and discharged… shooting him in the genitals. Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor. ‘Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the buckshot.’ ‘What’s the bad news?’... [More...]

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial; he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, ... [More...]

Deck the LabsDeck the labs with rubber tubingFa la la la la, la la la la.Use your funnel and your filterFa la la la la, la la la la.Don we now our goggles and apronsFa la la la la, la la la la.Before we go to our lab stationsFa la la la la, la la la la.Fill the beakers with solutionsFa la la la la, la la la la.Mix solutions for reactionsFa la la la la, la la la la.Watch we now for observationsFa la la la la, la la la la.So we can collect our dataFa la la la la, la la la la.  Read More →

Top ways to get thrown out of chemistry lab10. Pretend an electron got stuck in your ear, and insist on describing the sound to others.9. Give a cup of liquid nitrogen to a classmate and ask, “Does this taste funny to you?”8. Consistently write three atoms of potassium as “KKK.”  Read More →

ON A CHEMISTRY TEST at Midpark High School in Middleburg Heights, Ohio, one question concerned how to clean the floor after a chemical-powder spill. In detail, I described the liquid I would combine with the powder in order to dissolve it with chemical bonding and electron transfer. I was pleased with my grasp of molecular structure until the exams were handed back. Our teacher asked another student to read her answer. She suggested a broom and a dustpan to sweep up the spill — and got full credit.– Contributed to “Tales Out of School” by Joe Astorino � 1996 The Reader’s... [More...]

Top ways to get thrown out of chemistry lab4. Begin pronouncing everything your immigrant lab instructor says exactly the way he/she says it.3. Casually walk to the front of the room and urinate in a beaker.2. Pop a paper bag at the crucial moment when the professor is about to pour the sulfuric acid1. Show up with a 55-gallon drum of fertilizer and express an interest in federal buildings.  Read More →

what do you call a science joke? STUPID.  Read More →

We Three Students Of Chemistry AreWe three students of chemistry aretaking tests that we think are hardStoichiometry, volumes and densitiesworrying all the time.O room of wonderroom of frightRoom of thermitesblinding light:With your energiesplease don’t burn usHelp us get our labs all right.  Read More →

The Twelve Days of ChemistryOn the first day of chemistryMy teacher gave to meA candle from Chem Study.(second day) two asbestos pads(third day) three little beakers(fourth day) four work sheets(fifth day) five golden moles(sixth day) six flaming test tubes(seventh day) seven unknown samples(eighth day) eight homework problems(ninth day) nine grams of salt(tenth day) a ten page test(eleventh day) eleven molecules(twelfth day) a twelve point quiz  Read More →

The last words of a chemist:4. … and please keep that test tube alone!5. And now shake it a bit.6. Why is there no label on this bottle?  Read More →

Test Tubes Bubbling(to the tune of “Chestnuts Roasting On An Open Fire”)Test tubes bubbling in a water bathStrong smells nipping at ypur nose.Tiny molecules with their atoms all aglowWill find it hard to be inert tonight.They know that Chlorine’s on its wayHe’s loaded lots of little electrons on his sleighAnd every student’s slide rule is on the slyTo see if the teacher really can multiply.And so I offer you this simple phraseTo chemistry students in this roomAlthough it’s been said many times, many waysMerry molecules to you.  Read More →

The last words of a chemist:7. In which glass was my mineral water?8. The bunschen burnes *is* out!9. Why does that stuff burn with a green flame?!?  Read More →

Cesium’s Strange(Tune, People are strange – The Doors)Cesium’s strange,when you’re a strangerConsummate danger,ready to blow.Water is wicked,wet and unwanted,Folks are unfriendly,when you glow.Don’t take it out in the rain.You’re insane!You’re insane!Don’t you remember the pain?You’re insane!You’re insane!You’re insane —Cesium’s strange,pregnant with danger,Hand the next strangera kilo or two.Pour on the water,lamb at the slaughter,Bathe in the lightthat is blue, sky-blue!Don’t take it out in the rain.You’re... [More...]

At the physics exam: ‘Describe the universe in 200 words and give three examples.’ Q: What do physicists enjoy doing the most at baseball games?A: The ‘wave’.The Stanford Linear Accelerator Center was known as SLAC, until the big earthquake, when it became known as SPLAC. SPLAC? Stanford Piecewise Linear Accelerator.A student recognizes Einstein in a train and asks: Excuse me, professor, but does New York stop by this train? Researchers in Fairbanks Alaska announced last week that they have discovered a superconductor which will operate at room temperature. The answer to... [More...]

One day three scientists were discussing what would happen if they rammed a cork up an elephants ass and force fed it for 2 weeks. But because the experiment had never been documented and the idea was hard to comprehend they decided to have a go. A week after the experiment had started they began to realize “WHY” the idea had never been tried, they were stuck for someone to pull the cork out!! One of the scientists came up with a bright idea of training a monkey to do the job, so they spent the next week training it to pull out corks once a buzzer had rung, then push it back in for... [More...]