The Night Before Christmas
‘Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat.
The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat.
The doors were all bolted, and the phone off the hook,
It was time for some for some pussy, fuck reading that book.
Momma in her teddy, and I in the nude,
Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube.
When out on the lawn there arose such a cry,
That I lost my boner and momma went dry.
Up to the window I sprang like an elf,
Tore back the shade while she played with herself.
The moon on the crest of the snowman we’d built,
Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer.
With a fat little driver, half out of his sled,
A sock in his ear, and a bra on his head.
Sure as I’m speaking, he was as high as a kite
And he yelled to his team, but it didn’t sound right.
“Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole, hey Dickfore, whoa Putz,
Either slow down this rig or I’ll cut off your nuts.”
“Look out for the lamp post, and don’t hit the tree,
Quit shaking the sleigh, ’cause I gotta go pee.
They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub,
Just as Santa leaned out and puked on my shrub.
And then from the roof we heard something splatter,
As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder.
I put on my jacket to cover my ass,
When down the chimney Santa came with a crash.
His suit was all covered with dip spit galore,
He looked like a bum and smelled like a whore.
“I’m all fuckin’ shit-canned ,” he said with a smile,
“And Rudolf was farting the last half-a mile.”
He walked to the kitchen, for himself poured a drink,
Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.
I started to laugh, as my wife turned around
Santa was hung half way to the ground.
Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack,
But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed.
The first thing he found was a pair of false tits,
The next was a manual on how to pop zits.
A dime bag of reefer was Santa’s next find,
And a six pair of panties, the edible kind.
A boarding school pisser, a penis extension,
And several other things that I can’t even mention.
A cock ring, a G-string, and all types of oil,
And a bong that was wrapped with aluminium foil.
“This stuff’s not for kids, Mrs. Santa will shit,
So I’ll leave it all here, and then I’ll just split.”
He filled both our stockings, looked at my wife’s cleave.
And tucked my son’s crack pipe up under his sleeve.
He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead,
Made it out of the chimney, on my roof smacked his head.
In time he was seated, took the reigns of his hitch,
Saying, “Take me home, Rudolph, the night’s been a bitch!”
The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout,
“The best thing about college, is that the beer won’t run out.